The best jokes..
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Mythos Inibri
Undead User
Falconspirit
I Died A Little
A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around, noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it-- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt." "That's when I made my big mistake." "What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the cow's tail again and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!" "I don't remember much after that!"
Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around, noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it-- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt." "That's when I made my big mistake." "What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the cow's tail again and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!" "I don't remember much after that!"
Mythos Inibri
Undead User
How many wino's does it take to screw in a light-bulb?
Tw
ne to hold the bulb and the other to drink until the room spins.
Tw
ne to hold the bulb and the other to drink until the room spins.
OfManAndMetal
satan said i get a cookie
OfManAndMetal
satan said i get a cookie
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
With a little modification, that could be a great dead baby joke.
A lady was walking through the orphanage, but couldn't find a baby big enough to suit her family. She asked a nurse, "Do these babies get any bigger?" The nurse replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
A lady was walking through the orphanage, but couldn't find a baby big enough to suit her family. She asked a nurse, "Do these babies get any bigger?" The nurse replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
Falconspirit
I Died A Little
A blonde and a brunette decided to rob a bank. They quickly devised a good plan and they put their plan to action. The brunette drove up to the front of the bank that they had decided to rob. She turned to the blonde and asked her, "Now, do you remember what the plan is?" The blonde sighed and replied, "Yeah, yeah, I remember..." The brunette went over the plan once more and let the blonde out to do her stuff. Before the blonde could shut the door, the brunette yelled out, "Be sure to be in and out in no more than 5 minutes!"
The blonde ran inside and the brunette waited in the car... and waited... and waited... and waited... and waited. After waiting for so long in the car, the blonde bursts out of the bank's doors, the alarm blaring loud enough to wake everyone up. The blonde was lugging a bank safe behind her by a rope tied around it. A security guard ran out of the bank, his pants down around his ankles and attempting to reach his gun. The blonde breathed heavily as she tried to put the safe in the car but finally just gave up and dropped the safe behind. She ran into the passenger seat and pulled the door shut, the car already moving. The security guard yelled, "Stop! Stop!" while the pair drove off, leaving the safe with rope tied tightly around it behind.
The brunette frantically asked the blonde, "What the hell happened in there?!?" The blonde was panting and turned to the brunette and choked out, "What do you mean? I followed the plan exactly!" The brunette paused and yelled, "YOU IDIOT! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO TIE UP THE GUARD AND BLOW THE SAFE!"
The blonde ran inside and the brunette waited in the car... and waited... and waited... and waited... and waited. After waiting for so long in the car, the blonde bursts out of the bank's doors, the alarm blaring loud enough to wake everyone up. The blonde was lugging a bank safe behind her by a rope tied around it. A security guard ran out of the bank, his pants down around his ankles and attempting to reach his gun. The blonde breathed heavily as she tried to put the safe in the car but finally just gave up and dropped the safe behind. She ran into the passenger seat and pulled the door shut, the car already moving. The security guard yelled, "Stop! Stop!" while the pair drove off, leaving the safe with rope tied tightly around it behind.
The brunette frantically asked the blonde, "What the hell happened in there?!?" The blonde was panting and turned to the brunette and choked out, "What do you mean? I followed the plan exactly!" The brunette paused and yelled, "YOU IDIOT! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO TIE UP THE GUARD AND BLOW THE SAFE!"
OfManAndMetal
satan said i get a cookie
A man walked into a bar and ordered a beer. He then slammed it and quickly jumped out a window. A few moments later, he walked back in, ordered a beer, and jumped out the window again. A second man at the bar saw him do this both times, and when he came back in the third time asked him "How did you survive two falls from a third story window without any injuries?"
The first man's replied, "Well, it's really simple. After you chug a beer, the gases inside your stomach can actually slow your fall."
The second man decided to try this, so he ordered a beer, chugged it, and jumped out the window.
The bartender walked over and said, "You're really a dick when you're drunk, Superman."
I also have a ton of dead baby jokes.
OfManAndMetal
satan said i get a cookie
OfManAndMetal
satan said i get a cookie
Falconspirit
I Died A Little
A woman was walking down the street when she was approached by a man. The man said, "I must have you right now! I'll drop $500 on the ground at your feet and in the time it takes for you to pick it up I can have my way with you from behind!"
The woman thought it over and told the man to wait a minute. She called her girlfriend on her cell phone and told her about the man's proposition. Her girlfriend said "When he drops the $500 on the ground I'm sure you can pick it up and run before he gets his pants down. Call me back and tell me what happened."
An hour and a half later the lady called her girlfriend back. "What happened?" the girlfriend asked.
The lady said "That jerk had $500 in quarters!"
------------------
Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.
"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl who I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"
"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.
"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"
"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."
"Sensible" says Jeff.
"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."
"And what happened then?"
"I kicked her in the face."
The woman thought it over and told the man to wait a minute. She called her girlfriend on her cell phone and told her about the man's proposition. Her girlfriend said "When he drops the $500 on the ground I'm sure you can pick it up and run before he gets his pants down. Call me back and tell me what happened."
An hour and a half later the lady called her girlfriend back. "What happened?" the girlfriend asked.
The lady said "That jerk had $500 in quarters!"
------------------
Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.
"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl who I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"
"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.
"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"
"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."
"Sensible" says Jeff.
"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."
"And what happened then?"
"I kicked her in the face."
Falconspirit
I Died A Little
I missed this thread, so here goes:
There was this guy who always went out drinking with his friends. He would always come home very late. One night, while he was at the bar he told them his secret for being able to sneak in late.
"When I walk in the house, before the wife can say anything, I lay her down, take off her panties, and give her the best oral sex she's ever had, until she has such an orgasm that she falls into a deep sleep. Then, I wash up and go to bed. By morning, she is so pleased, she doesn't care what time I came home."
One of his friends thinks this is a great idea. So he stays out late, comes home, sneaks into the bedroom, gives his wife the best oral sex she's ever had, and goes to wash up. His wife walks into the bathroom, obviously upset that he's home so late.
"Hey, why aren't you sleeping?" he asks.
"I was, but I came in to tell you that we've got to sleep on the couch tonight, 'cause my mother is sleeping in our bedroom."
There was this guy who always went out drinking with his friends. He would always come home very late. One night, while he was at the bar he told them his secret for being able to sneak in late.
"When I walk in the house, before the wife can say anything, I lay her down, take off her panties, and give her the best oral sex she's ever had, until she has such an orgasm that she falls into a deep sleep. Then, I wash up and go to bed. By morning, she is so pleased, she doesn't care what time I came home."
One of his friends thinks this is a great idea. So he stays out late, comes home, sneaks into the bedroom, gives his wife the best oral sex she's ever had, and goes to wash up. His wife walks into the bathroom, obviously upset that he's home so late.
"Hey, why aren't you sleeping?" he asks.
"I was, but I came in to tell you that we've got to sleep on the couch tonight, 'cause my mother is sleeping in our bedroom."
BlackViking666
Black Devil
There was once a guy in the Marines who was soon to be deployed to Iraq
so to insure hes wife wouldn't have an affair he decided to go to a sex shop and get her something special. He steps in the sex shop to the smell of incenses as a small oriental man stares at him from over the counter.The man says "Excuse me but I'm looking for a dildo" the man got up from the register and summoned the man into the backroom he climbed up on one of the high shelves with a step ladder and came down with a gold box in his hand.
The shopowner then says "Pay close attention this very special dildo"
The man lowers the box to the floor then says with a loud voice "Voodoo dick up!!" The man is startled as a glowing 12 inch dildo burst out of the box
the shopowner then says "Voodoo dick doorknob!" The man stares in awe as the glowing dildo came like a spiraling bullet at the door and began to pumble it .The shop owner then says "Voodoo dick stop" the glowing dildo stops suspended in mid air the man is in shock.The shop owner then says "Voodoo dick box" and the dildo return to what was left of a gold box.The man thought on how much his wife would love it so he buys it and takes it home the same day.He gets home and says to his wife "Honey I've got a surpise for you" he stood for a moment staring at his wife who anxiously pleaded to know what it was.The he said "Now just watch honey" he sat the new gift box on the floor and exclaims "Voodoo dick up" the comes exploding out the box as his wife let out a scream.He comforted his wife and continued to show her what he bought so then he says "Voodoo dick doorknob" the dildo smashs in to the door knob like a speeding bullet and begins going to work
the wife hugs her husbands and begins laughing the man then says "Voodoo dick stop " the dildo obeys then hes says "Voodoo dick box" and it returns to the box.The wife was so happy for her present that her and her husband had lots of sex that night.
A week pass and the husband has been deployed to Iraq the wife begins getting very horny but is able to control herself for the week.
Another week passes and she can't take it anymore so she gets the box out of her closet and then says "Voodoo dick up" the dildo popped out of the box hovering and glowing then she says "Voodoo dick pussy" so like she assumed the dildo came flying deep into her thrusting
1 hour passes and she has came twice
2hours passes and she has came even more
6hours passes shes exhausted and it starts to hurt
she is shaking and bleeding now as the dildo continues to punish her...
She pleads "Voodoo dick stop" so it does but its lodged somewhere deep within her the pain continues so she runs to her car still bleeding and shaking
in order to get to a hospital. She is speeding and swerving wildly on the highway a cop is nearly ran off the road he chases her down and gets her to stop he was extremely pissed and starts yelling "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?"
The lady burst into tears sobbing "its the Voodoo dick"
The cop then shouts "Voodoo dick my ass!"
so to insure hes wife wouldn't have an affair he decided to go to a sex shop and get her something special. He steps in the sex shop to the smell of incenses as a small oriental man stares at him from over the counter.The man says "Excuse me but I'm looking for a dildo" the man got up from the register and summoned the man into the backroom he climbed up on one of the high shelves with a step ladder and came down with a gold box in his hand.
The shopowner then says "Pay close attention this very special dildo"
The man lowers the box to the floor then says with a loud voice "Voodoo dick up!!" The man is startled as a glowing 12 inch dildo burst out of the box
the shopowner then says "Voodoo dick doorknob!" The man stares in awe as the glowing dildo came like a spiraling bullet at the door and began to pumble it .The shop owner then says "Voodoo dick stop" the glowing dildo stops suspended in mid air the man is in shock.The shop owner then says "Voodoo dick box" and the dildo return to what was left of a gold box.The man thought on how much his wife would love it so he buys it and takes it home the same day.He gets home and says to his wife "Honey I've got a surpise for you" he stood for a moment staring at his wife who anxiously pleaded to know what it was.The he said "Now just watch honey" he sat the new gift box on the floor and exclaims "Voodoo dick up" the comes exploding out the box as his wife let out a scream.He comforted his wife and continued to show her what he bought so then he says "Voodoo dick doorknob" the dildo smashs in to the door knob like a speeding bullet and begins going to work
the wife hugs her husbands and begins laughing the man then says "Voodoo dick stop " the dildo obeys then hes says "Voodoo dick box" and it returns to the box.The wife was so happy for her present that her and her husband had lots of sex that night.
A week pass and the husband has been deployed to Iraq the wife begins getting very horny but is able to control herself for the week.
Another week passes and she can't take it anymore so she gets the box out of her closet and then says "Voodoo dick up" the dildo popped out of the box hovering and glowing then she says "Voodoo dick pussy" so like she assumed the dildo came flying deep into her thrusting
1 hour passes and she has came twice
2hours passes and she has came even more
6hours passes shes exhausted and it starts to hurt
she is shaking and bleeding now as the dildo continues to punish her...
She pleads "Voodoo dick stop" so it does but its lodged somewhere deep within her the pain continues so she runs to her car still bleeding and shaking
in order to get to a hospital. She is speeding and swerving wildly on the highway a cop is nearly ran off the road he chases her down and gets her to stop he was extremely pissed and starts yelling "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?"
The lady burst into tears sobbing "its the Voodoo dick"
The cop then shouts "Voodoo dick my ass!"
