The official joke thread

[-Gavin-]

How do you get a Swede onto the roof?
Tell him the drinks are on the house.

 

[-Gavin-]

Every Scotsman's fantasy is to have two women....one cleaning, the other dusting...

 

[TheSeldomlaid]

Three fags were sitting in a bar.
First the guy on the left farted: "pfffffft!"
Then the guy in the middle farted: "ffffffffpt!"
The last guy farted: "Brroooooooip!"
The two first guys looked at him and laughed: "you're a virgin, ey?"

 

[TheSeldomlaid]

How do you sink a Swedish submarine?

Swim down and knock on the door.

 

[-Gavin-]

Scotsman is driving and crashes into an englishman.

The english guy gets out shouting, "WHAT THE FOOK?"

The scotsman goes to him, laid back and says "hey man, hey man.. why all this hate between our nations.. Here, join me in a drink." and whips out a bottle of whisky.

The englishman looks taken aback, and takes a big drink, then hands the bottle to the scot.

The scot goes "naw, y'er alright... we'll just wait for the police to come"

 

[-Gavin-]

"Ah, Kyla, drinking makes you look so bonnie."
"But Donald, I dinna drink!"
"But I do!"

 

[Hrafn]

A Swede was walking down the street with a duck under his arm.
- "Where did you find that monkey?" asked the fellow pedestrian.
- "It happens to be a duck." claimed the Swede.
- "Shut up, Swede! I am talking to the duck."

 

[-Gavin-]

A Guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus on a stool and announces that this is a very talented octopus, which can play any musical instrument in the world.
Everyone laughs at the man, calling him an idiot. So he says that he'll wager £50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can’t play.
A guy walks up with a guitar and puts it beside the octopus. Immediately the octopus picks up the guitar and starts playing better than Eric Clapton. The guitar man pays up his £50.
Another guy comes up with a trumpet. This time the octopus plays like Miles Davis.
This guy pays his £50.
Then a Scotsman hands over a set of bagpipes. The octopus fumbles with it for a minute and then sits down with a confused look.
"Ha," the Scot says. "Can ye no play it?" The Octopus looks at him and says: "Play it? I’m going to make love to it as soon as I figure out how to get these pyjamas off..."

 

[-Gavin-]

WORLD'S HARDEST JOB: Explaining Irish jokes to an Englishman.

 

[-Gavin-]

The Englishman and his wife asked their daughter what she wanted for Christmas.
She told them: 'I wanna watch.'
So they let her.

 

[-Gavin-]

Then there was the Irishman who got a large envelope through the post with a
sticker on it saying: PHOTOS - DO NOT BEND.
So he wrote 'OH YES THEY DO' on it and sent it back.

 

[TheSeldomlaid]

What's green, dangerous, and lies on the roof?


A cucumber with a machine gun.

 

[Sinister Mephisto]

What's green, dangerous, and lies on the roof?


A cucumber with a machine gun.

I wasn't expecting it and it got me...

 

[Missiles]

What's yellow on the inside and black on the outside?

A ninja chicken.

 

[Turbo]

The Englishman and his wife asked their daughter what she wanted for Christmas.
She told them: 'I wanna watch.'
So they let her.

Thats fucking priceless LOL. I wish you would stop swapping Englishman with Irishman though.

 

[Necrö]

how many jews fit into an average car?
50. 5 on the seats, 45 in the ashtrays


(ok, not funny.)

 

[TheSeldomlaid]

how many jews fit into an average car?
50. 5 on the seats, 45 in the ashtrays


(ok, not funny.)

fuck yes

 

[-Gavin-]

Ralf should get on here with his jew jokes

 

[TheSeldomlaid]

Go get him, Tiger

 

[Hrafn]

how many jews fit into an average car?
50. 5 on the seats, 45 in the ashtrays


(ok, not funny.)