what do you do with yourself?

[ether]

I undergo this kind of crisis quite often...
I'm quite moody, so sometimes I really get this feeling that everything I did so far has been useless and---well--thinking about my future... that scares me more than everything.
I should be happy now because thanks God I finished all my exams at university last year and a few weeks ago I finished my thesis as well, but now that I should look for a job and take a decision for my life...I really don't know what to do! I feel that all I've studied is worthless and I'm so scared to get into the "real world"!
Luckily enough I've still so many interests ( too many!!I don't have time to do everything I would like to do) that help me to go on! I own half of the most beautiful moments of my life to music, books and arts, then I would say nature, friends, interesting people and beauty in general. I like learning, from people, from books, from experience, from travels (I love travelling!) Helping people gives me a sense of fullfilment as well. Yet, I'm not 100% satisfied with my life, there are tons of things I regret I didn't do and so on, and I still haven't lost that terrible attitude that makes me see all negative...but with time I'm learning how to cope with life and how to find out a way to avoid useless suffering!

 

[opethpainter]

don't get me wrong, i don't want to be a so-called spammer again, but... is listening to katatonia that makes you so depressed, or you listen to katatonia because you feel depressed? [if you want, substitute katatonia with something else, e.g. my dying bride... or any other band who play depressing music]

 

[EvilGenius]

ether-- what are you studying (or maybe I should ask: what DID you study?)? and if you're willing to share, what was the topic of your thesis?

 

[my dying groom]

is listening to katatonia that makes you so depressed, or you listen to katatonia because you feel depressed? [if you want, substitute katatonia with something else, e.g. my dying bride... or any other band who play depressing music]

Music has no "depressing" influence on me, I always try to listen to music and read books that harmonize with my current mood. If it is "depressive", so be it.
However, nurturing negative feelings can also grant something like temporary fulfilment.

 

[EvilGenius]

Elric-- I don't really have any idea of what the peace corps are: are they military in any fashion--or are they your basic humanitarian aid? Either way, if you can see yourself finding fulfillment in it, there couldn't be anything wrong in trying it out!

Acting is definitley a creative way of expression, so I wouldn't consider yourself non-creative. You might be reading someone elses words, but you can only do it in one way, and that way being the way YOU could do it. Being an actor would probably be near or at the top of my list of things I could never see myself doing, so I admire anyone who can do it.

And don't be afraid of the political content of Ayn Rand's novels (maybe just her non-fiction: she is a VICIOUS creature sometimes lol). If you enjoy romantic beauty, the best things about being human, and intense, dramatic literature, she is the one for you. Just be prepared for some of the longest monologues you've ever read! Or you can start with her novella _Anthem_. That was my first experience with her, and it is a simple, and purely enjoyable read. It'd probably take you two to three hours (or less) to finish it in one read (and I'm a rather slow reader). If you like it, try out her novels (if you feel like it of course). It's great for starters and for reading multiple times. (BTW, I can totally relate to you on the book buying problem. If I see a book I might like in the future, I buy it; if I see a book I might be able to use for a reference sometime in the future, I buy it. I buy a book for almost every reason just short of liking the cover of it haha! , and yet I'm a student with typically very little money!)

Take care!

 

[EvilGenius]

Originally posted by my dying groom
Music has no "depressing" influence on me, I always try to listen to music and read books that harmonize with my current mood. If it is "depressive", so be it.
However, nurturing negative feelings can also grant something like temporary fulfilment.

You take the words right out of my mouth and say it even better than I could! I always believed I found out about myself more while I'm in whatever kind of dark or foul mood, and I would usually "nurture" it by plaiyng certain kinds of music that would fit the mood. As long as I could sustain it, the more I could learn.

 

[my dying groom]

Originally posted by EvilGenius
I always believed I found out about myself more while I'm in whatever kind of dark or foul mood, and I would usually "nurture" it by plaiyng certain kinds of music that would fit the mood. As long as I could sustain it, the more I could learn.

Yes, that's exactly what I meant. I like to explore the dark side of life, and it feels good to know there are other people out there who handle it the same way.

 

[EvilGenius]

Originally posted by my dying groom
Yes, that's exactly what I meant. I like to explore the dark side of life, and it feels good to know there are other people out there who handle it the same way.

Those who don't explore it are either ignorant of it, or simply hiding from it. It's there, and it won't go away either on its own or at all, and to ignore it is to negate reality, which is a big no-no in my book. Oddly enough, I'm willing to bet that most suicidal individuals see reality in a far superior perspective than most others (no, I'm not saying I'm suicidal... I'm not).

 

[elric]

-- EvilGenius - Yeah, Peace Corps is a humanitarian sort of thing... go to a third world type country and help out. Its just seemed recently like a very appealing idea to me, although obviously something I'd have to think about a lot. And I'll check out Rand... I need to go to the library soon anyway, I can't afford any more new books
-- ether - wow... good luck on going into the real world It's a scary idea... I've got a lot of the same feelings of insecurity about what I've done / where I'm going, but at least I've got a few more years of university until I need to venture out What did you study / what are you contemplating doing? Hopefully you can find something fulfilling that allows you to live comfortably, as well... Glad to hear that you've got a lot of other things which help you find enjoyment though...
-- opethpainter - we actually had a thread on that a while back I've got to agree with my dying groom and EvilGenius tho - usually I'll listen to dark stuff if I'm in a dark mood, but other times I can listen to it and just enjoy it... An interesting side thought though, recently I've had very little energy and have found myself listening to a lot of quieter music (Slowdive, Mojave 3, Kent, etc) basically from a lack of energy to really deal with heavier stuff...

One of the things I've noticed about myself recently is that most of the things I do to entertain myself are more passive/reactive than active - watching tv, reading, listening to music... all relaxing, yeah, but not very engaging in the sense that I come out feeling I've accomplished something. Many of my classes are the same - I feel as though I'm reacting and answering the questions, not coming up with any actual product. That's why I enjoy both acting and the one of my classes which is more advanced and in which we have a lot more flexibilty/creativity, and come up with more of an actual product. I guess those would be my creative releases - acting, and programming So I'm a geek in the theater community, and a weird artsy type in the CS community - lovely

 

[EvilGenius]

Originally posted by elric
-- So I'm a geek in the theater community, and a weird artsy type in the CS community - lovely

If it weren't for geeks, Hitler's regime might still be in power, but by now, over the entire world. Ever heard of the Nazi's Enigma code? Mathematicians, i.e. geeks, broke it and won the war (of course in conjunction with the grunts, but without the geeks, the grunts would have incessantly been sent to the slaughter).

Thank (fill in your deity here) for Geeks!!

 

[my dying groom]

Originally posted by EvilGenius
Oddly enough, I'm willing to bet that most suicidal individuals see reality in a far superior perspective than most others

Not necessarily suicidal but keen individuals that had at least once a worm's-eye view of the world certainly have an advantage over those who won't look below the surface.
Too many people pursuit the pattern "happiness" and ignore the beneficial state of intellectual or spiritual awareness that can be achieved by examining one's darkest thoughts.

 

[elric]

Originally posted by EvilGenius
If it weren't for geeks, Hitler's regime might still be in power, but by now, over the entire world. Ever heard of the Nazi's Enigma code? Mathematicians, i.e. geeks, broke it and won the war (of course in conjunction with the grunts, but without the geeks, the grunts would have incessantly been sent to the slaughter).

Thank (fill in your deity here) for Geeks!!

actually, just read a really cool book about that... Cryptonomicon, by Neal Stephenson... very very interesting novel about codes/codebreakers, set during WWII and modern day... kind of hard to give a short description, but definitely worth a read. All his other stuff is really interesting, too... some is a bit much cyberpunk-y, but very entertaining- highly recommend, especially Snow Crash and Cryptonomicon.

 

[my dying groom]

Originally posted by elric
actually, just read a really cool book about that... Cryptonomicon, by Neal Stephenson... very very interesting novel about codes/codebreakers, set during WWII and modern day...

Thanks for the recommendation! My brother is really into this kind of stuff, he will be pleased

 

[EvilGenius]

Yeah, I've heard, actually seen that book. The title and the cover caught my eye quite a while ago, but I never got it for some reason. I just recently bought a book called "Enigma" which is a fiction story about a mathematician during WWII who was a worker at Bletchley Park, working on decoding the Enigma. I have to finish two other books though, before I go on to that one. If I like it, I'll check out the one you suggested. Thanks!

 

[EvilGenius]

Originally posted by my dying groom
Not necessarily suicidal but keen individuals that had at least once a worm's-eye view of the world certainly have an advantage over those who won't look below the surface.
Too many people pursuit the pattern "happiness" and ignore the beneficial state of intellectual or spiritual awareness that can be achieved by examining one's darkest thoughts.

Yes, exactly. The "worm's eye view" is a good way of putting to. If you ain't never been down there, pardon my army slang, in the shit, then how could you possibly know? I can't imagine anyone having been down there and ever truly getting out, but I'm not them and I don't know. And of course, I'm not saying I've experienced the worse the world has to offer me (at least not yet), so I know that some (many in fact) have a better perspective of life than I do, since they have seen more from such a lower level, i.e. have suffered more. This is why I don't feel sorry for such people, but instead respect them. This is also why I believe suffering "builds character".

 

[my dying groom]

Originally posted by EvilGenius
If you ain't never been down there, pardon my army slang, in the shit, then how could you possibly know? I can't imagine anyone having been down there and ever truly getting out, but I'm not them and I don't know. And of course, I'm not saying I've experienced the worse the world has to offer me (at least not yet), so I know that some (many in fact) have a better perspective of life than I do, since they have seen more from such a lower level, i.e. have suffered more. This is why I don't feel sorry for such people, but instead respect them. This is also why I believe suffering "builds character".

Yeah, I think that's a great way to look at things. I've got nothing more to say really...

 

[Elysian Blaze]

This has been a very interesting thread, indeed. In my life, the one thing thing that keeps me motivated would be music. I know that that may seem like a trite statement, but it is true. For me, it's a cyclical pattern that continues to heighten both my fulfillment and my knowledge. I both create and listen to music and each seem to fuel the other. By playing my guitar, I'm getting closer to fulfilling my goal of being good enough to play quality music with other musicians. But, I'm also enhancing my ability to enjoy music. The more I play, the more I appreciate someone else's playing. This is also the same on the other side. While listening to music, I become inspired to create. A drive deep within myself wells up over the course of a few hours [or a few minutes] and before I know it, my guitar is in my hands.

For some, music is merely a background to life. For me, life -is- music; everything else is trivial. Well, not everything, but most things. Before I started playing guitar, I enjoyed music. But now, as I dive further into the innards of music, I almost feel like I've the ability to enjoy music with senses other than hearing. It's in the air I breathe, the blood that flows in my veins. I don't know if any of this makes sense, or whether it just sounds like the ravings of a lunatic, but I can't truly explain myself in words.

[takes a deep breath]

Okay, I -do- enjoy non-musical things, mind you. I have a love for the English language. Words intrigue me with their look, with the way they roll off my tongue, with the way they come together to form literary swatches of colour. It also deeply pains me to see how people from the US disrespect our language. Typos, I can understand. But, for someone to honestly not know the difference "their" and "there" is a crime.

If you couldn't gather from my love of the English language, I also enjoy reading and writing. In terms of reading, my favourite author would probably be Caitlin R Kiernan. She may be a little new-ageish, but some of her prose is so heartbreakingly beautiful. In terms of writing, I mainly stick to poems, but eventually, I will get my lazy self to a writing workshop and learn how to flesh out my ideas. You see, I have all of these ideas stuck in my mind with little to no way to get them out. Whenever I set down to purge these thoughts, it's like a traffic jam clogs up my mind. I can even see story in picture form in my head, almost like a storyboard. Maybe this means my true calling is in the film industrty?

Music and words... two things that keep me going in life. I have an insatiable thirst for knowledge [especially regarding these two topics], so I doubt that I will ever truly be fulfilled. But, I do hope to someday reach a point in my life when I can turn around and be pleased with the path I have taken.

 

[yourdeadgroom]

>>what do you do with your life that makes it worth living?

Music, first and foremost. And not even so much as playing it (which I do), but listening is enough. I had nothing to do this morning, put on a Maiden album and just listened- didn't even think about anything, just the music (I love Maiden ). And lately I've been pretty down, I was thinking about the point of it all, then the news on Katatonias new album came out (the news from Anders), and that kinda made me think "yeah, I need to stick around for that" (not that I'd ever really check out, just felt like it). And I know that, however shitty life may be at the moment, it's going to get better, and life can actually be pretty fucking good, so that makes it tolerable.

>>do you have a job which is very fulfilling? if so, what?

Well, when I had a job it was very fullfilling (computer programmer), the kinda job where you feel guilty getting paid for it, because it doesn't really feel like work That was enough to sustain me, although I did have my usual interests.

>>if not, what do you do outside of this to enjoy your life?

Music, weren't you listening??
Well, apart from that, I play wargames (the miniature figure type, not the paintball one), and spend every Sunday at my local club playing, so I spend alot of time with that.
And programming, I'm trying to learn to write video games, so that's pretty damn fun. I spend time pretty much every day during the week (seeing as I'm not working) working on stuff. It's quite challenging, and I like using my brain, so it's cool.

>>(as a college student), i find my classes and much of the rest of my life very unfulfilling,

Been there, done that
Went through feeling like that at University (studied Classical Music, majoring in guitar performance), ended up dropping out in my 3rd year. Got to spend the next year unemployed because I had no skills or qualifications, so I suggest that unless you really really can't go on, don't do what I did Eventually got my head straight, did a computer course, and got to where I am now ($16,000 in debt and still unemployed..... I did have a job though, and atleast I have career prospects now)

 

[ether]

Originally posted by EvilGenius
ether-- what are you studying (or maybe I should ask: what DID you study?)? and if you're willing to share, what was the topic of your thesis?

I studied English and German literature (that includes a lot of other subjects such as history, Italian literature, linguistics, philology and so on...). My thesis is in Germanic philology, it's an analysis of an heroic lay of the poetic Edda (in old icelandic) and a ballad in low German (it's a dialect similar to Dutch) that are both about the death of the king of the Goths Ermanarich (but of course they handle it in two different ways and so on...).
Well... a bit complicated to explain, now you can see why I feel that most of the things I studied are useless, I know that in my life I won't be a philologist...I could be a teacher, but I'm not sure that 's what I really want, I studied what I studied because I liked literature and foreign languages(btw now I really would like to learn Swedish after having studied old icelandic and German), but I didn't thought about a future job. I will see what life has to offer me, who knows, perhaps I will work with something that hasn't nothing to do with what I studied...

 

[On the Edge of Forever]

Unh... I do nothing.

Maybe I should add padding like I do with my assignments.

Currently I'm taking a year out from Uni (I completed my second year in June), where I study Computer Games Technology Simulation and VR. So obviously my primary interest is computers and that's basically how I spend my days at the moment, watching Space Ghost Coast to Coast... I should be job hunting, and in a way I am, I'm just being very whimsical about the experience. I apparently have a girlfriend.. (I've not seen her for about 13 months now and we only communicate through e-mails, really) and I suppose that in context of the question what do I do to stave off the darkness. Nothing. I just do nothing.

As much as I'd love to say that going through a depressive hell for the last year gave me more insight into life, I can't help but feel cheated out of happiness. Living through the darker side of life is just not what it's cracked up to be, the only insight I've gained from it is that NHS counsellors really suck, self-absorption is a drug and the so-called grandeur of melancholy is generally pathetic. There's nothing glorious about real misery.. but it's strangely compelling. The big irony of it all is that if I was actually doing anything constructive with my time during this period I would probably have never reached that low. So maybe it's my lesson to learn and spend more time on that job-hunting right now.. because really, anything is better than nothing.

I have my CDs of course... which is all good. And I do the hoovering and washing up.

Like I said. Nothing is the answer to the question and that's why my life currently consists of such. Luckily I'm not bitter about it.