Confessions

I have two imaginary friends that live in my head from 4th grade. The first is visualized the way Geodude looked in the original Pokemon red game, so he's kind of tinted pinkish. The is a smaller version of a boss in the great Dreamcast RPG Evolution 2.

I constantly discuss things with them, rally myself with them, I communicate with them more than probably anybody.

What's fucked is I have a life. Frankly I make at least half of you look like losers in terms of having diverse friends, close friends, how often I'm out socializing. Female friends as well.

But with that being said cuddling and a brief kiss is the furthest I've ever gotten with a woman and in April I'll be 19. It really brings down my self esteem. I feel like it pains me to survive without some kind of affection from a woman more than regular hugs.
 
Yeah, pretty much what everyone else has posted, there are parts of me in there.

I must confess, that my parent's and I are kind of strangers. they only live a few miles away but I see or speak to them maybe once a week. They totally, completely don't understand me at all and sometimes when they try to anticipate what I would do or like they fail.

example:
I kept the Dead Tide book cover a secret and waited until the book(s) were officially released and I had a copy in my hand. I showed them several weeks ago, the day I got back from Zombiefest. My mom thought was it was cool, though she didn't appear over joyed. I just found out that my father whom replied with a " thats interesting " back then thought I was just making something up. He said he thought it was a fake at the time. strange.

A few of you may know, I was sick most of my 20's. I developed some sort of infection which this idiot doctor couldn't seem to cure, though he gave me so many antibiotics most are useless on me now. The infection settled in all of the worst places it possibly could on me. Every part of my body that related to my voice. Thus ending any chance of a career as a professional singer. Though my parent's were at every operation I had I would often hear stuff like " oh stop you aren't that sick " or the classic " maybe you are allergic to your long hair ". While I am glad that they were around, I resent all those little jabs they took at me and how they thought I couldn't possibly be as sick as I said since there were very little outward signs to them. So over the years I began to keep them at arms length.

So, among my many faults I resent my family.

There is plenty more but I don't wish to make huge posts.
 
See my parent's really aren't, which is the part that bothers me. They are good, decent people who work hard. They just are clueless when it comes to me for some reason. They dont' even realize that I resent them. I have, as recently as this weekend explained to them that they don't understand me, shouldn't try to make assumptions about me because they will never figure it out.I pointed out many examples of how they thought I would do A and I chose C or D.
They laughed and thought I was kidding.
 
ahhhhhhhhh ok after reading this thread i guess ill say a few things about myself.


I grew up being abused mentally and physically as a child. My dad would hit my mom and i grew up listening to yelling and things being thrown around when i was 7. My little brother and sister were only 3 and 5 so i had to take care of them when I was still only a child. I was constantly picked on and beat up at school. I can't possibly tell you how many times my glasses were broken. Came home from school done day to find out that my mom just disappeared. I never saw her again, my dad became suicidal and drunk all the time and this is when the abuse became violent. Being kicked and thrown around by your own father and being helpless is not a good feeling. My dad would spit on me and bring me down to the point of feeling absolutely worthless. So at the age of 7 i grew up fast and had to feed and take care of my little brother and sister because my dad would never be home (which was a good thing). When we went to go look for my moms body (which is what my dad said to me) i freaked out and had a huge panic attack. I then blamed myself for my mom leaving us. I even wrote a letter to my dad saying i would go live in the barn if she came back. This is when i began to hate myself.

I had to go live with my aunt because of the abuse, the state wouldn't let us go back until my dad stopped.

I was later diagnosed with Major Depression and Paranoia Schizophrenia. I took a bottle of tranquilizers and almost died (my stomach was pumped) then i was taken to a mental ward. i lived there for about 3 months then was released. I began to cut myself alot, and then i was put into a mental ward again and lived there for almost half a year. (i did my school work at the mental ward).

The meds helped with my psychosis, but my major depression still affects me to this very day. I am not myself when it happens and will do something stupid.

I am still very sad, though i don't show it at all. But I'm probably one of the nicest guys any of you guys will ever meet.



[/end]
 
I have a moderate to severe case of depersonalization disorder. I've had it for as long as I can recall and wouldn't recognize myself without it being a large part of me. I deal with it every day and often worry that I'll lose my grip on reality. I think I'm pretty balanced but there are times, especially if I'm alone at night, that I worry I'll go insane.

Speaking of which - I took two months of disability a few years ago to get treatment for a pain killer addiction and for depression.

I wish I had a family that I didn't hate. I love my parents but the rest of them are nothing to me. I loved my great grandmother who passed away two years ago. I'm torn up over her not being at my wedding and it's been bothering me a lot the last month. I wish I had the balls to tell my family off, but instead I hide and avoid family gatherings. They're dead to me.

I have horribly violent and disturbing nightmares every single night. Most of the time I'm afraid to fall asleep. I wake up and can't go back to sleep after most of them. Last night I had a dream that I strangled my niece to death, broke her neck, and tore off her flesh with my hands until she was nothing but bones. That's pretty standard, and I wake up feeling like a horrible person.

I miss my ex boyfriend terribly. I love Peter, he's the best man I've ever been with and I'm happily married to him. But deep down I feel that if there are such things as soul mates, my ex was mine. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with him again because of the hell I went through after we broke up, but I think about him everyday, for a good portion of the day. We still talk once in a while and every time I get a text or email from him, my heart skips a beat. I feel like a terrible person. While I know I wouldn't get back with him, if I found myself in a situation with the chance to sleep with him, I probably would. That makes me feel like a piece of shit. I had a dream this weekend that he was engaged to someone else and they were having a baby - I had to call a friend and cry for a while because it bothered me so much. I know I'll probably never see him again, which is probably best, but in the back of my mind I wonder if circumstances will ever have us together again.

I'm antisocial to the point of lying regularly so I won't have to do stuff with people.

I had my first kiss and lost my virginity within an hour of each other.

I poop a lot.
 
Reading this thread made me feel really good, and a lot less alone. I think this is probably one of the most awesome threads ever... but I'm with Steve (I believe it was Steve) who said a "post an awesome thing about yourself" thread.

It's definitely the biggest cliche ever, but I still feel 100% guilty for being raped and assaulted. Sometimes when I forget and catch sight of myself in the mirror, I still feel worthless and very small and broken and have to shake myself out of it, and if I don't before I know it I am crying, and scratching at my skin.

I'm proud of myself that I've overcome addiction, but I feel like this pride is unwarranted, and false. I feel like I don't deserve the pride because of how badly I still want to get high sometimes. I feel like a loser because I still wish I could have just one day I could go back to being a user. Does that make all my "progress and growth" meaningless? All the effort? Am I a loser?

On a lighter note, I buy a large quantity of coconuts every week. I LOVE hacking them up and putting the water in the blender with the coconut meat and making "shakes", mmm.

I fiendishly love getting my nipple piercing caught on my bra during class if I move in an odd way, haha, no one else knows, mwuaha.
 
this thread is fucking awesome. like really I think I've thought most of whats posted, but whats so great is that I'm not the only person thinking about this, which in my life seems like I am.

I have a massive superiority complex but I think its there to cover up whats really an inferiority complex
I think about changing myself as a person everyday. Everyday I say, "Ok, I'm going to do all my shit, homework, write songs, play guitar, study for school"
Everyday I procrastinate away and think "god wtf am I doing"
How can I be bored all the time with so much to do?
I really don't even have that much fun smoking weed, I'm pretty sure I just do it out of habit.
I think I just do anything out of habit, waste time on the computer, chill with friends smoking all day, procrastinate, because its a habit.
I haven't had sex in 2 years. not even kissed a girl
in my previous relationship I was so fucking consumed and in love, and then my "best" friend and her had a affair when I was gone. I don't even think I know how to put trust in people anymore, well new people, I think I trust my closest friends, well a couple =\

I don't really think I have low self-esteem, I really am conceited and narcissistic, I just don't know how to relate to relate with people, women really.

Why is it so hard to approach women?
Why am I complaining about something being hard when I never even do it? it could be easy as fuck to find a chick but wouldn't fucking know.

I think thats it, I don't do anything, I feel like I am squandering infinite potential.
I mean I posted in this thread for something to do instead of the 2 make up and 1 due paper I have
 
I didn't realize how similar we all are. I think that is awesome in a terribly cool way. Many of us seem introverted, have relationship problems, and/or had a bad home environment growing up. Only on this forum can people really open up =)
 
To the Reader

Infatuation, sadism, lust, avarice
possess our souls and drain the body's force;
we spoonfeed our adorable remorse,
like whores or beggars nourishing their lice.

Our sins are mulish, our confessions lies;
we play to the grandstand with our promises,
we pray for tears to wash our filthiness;
importantly pissing hogwash through our styes.

The devil, watching by our sickbeds, hissed
old smut and folk-songs to our soul, until
the soft and precious metal of our will
boiled off in vapor for this scientist.

Each day his flattery makes us eat a toad,
and each step forward is a step to hell,
unmoved, through previous corpses and their smell
asphyxiate our progress on this road.

Like the poor lush who cannot satisfy,
we try to force our sex with counterfeits,
die drooling on the deliquescent tits,
mouthing the rotten orange we suck dry.

Gangs of demons are boozing in our brain —
ranked, swarming, like a million warrior-ants,
they drown and choke the cistern of our wants;
each time we breathe, we tear our lungs with pain.

If poison, arson, sex, narcotics, knives
have not yet ruined us and stitched their quick,
loud patterns on the canvas of our lives,
it is because our souls are still too sick.

Among the vermin, jackals, panthers, lice,
gorillas and tarantulas that suck
and snatch and scratch and defecate and fuck
in the disorderly circus of our vice,

there's one more ugly and abortive birth.
It makes no gestures, never beats its breast,
yet it would murder for a moment's rest,
and willingly annihilate the earth.

It's BOREDOM. Tears have glued its eyes together.
You know it well, my Reader. This obscene
beast chain-smokes yawning for the guillotine —
you — hypocrite Reader — my double — my brother!

— Robert Lowell, from Marthiel & Jackson Matthews, eds., The Flowers of Evil (NY: New Directions, 1963)


I thought I would post this because I read it in humanities and was like "holy shit this is awesome." Baudelaire, wow thats fucking avant-garde

no one else in my group even got the meaning of the thing =\
 
I gave up on myself long ago. But I haven't given up on everyone else. If i can make someone happy, or laugh, then it makes me very very happy. That alone is worth waking up every morning to me. People tell me that I'm "to nice" at times but i don't believe a person can be "to nice". Even though i had a shitty childhood, I still am grateful for what I have and I wouldn't want to go back and change anything that has happened. It just made me stronger. I go broke when i see homeless, hungry people. I give them lots of money. One time in Vegas this guy was very hungry and asked for a dollar so he can get some food at this fast food place. I took him in there and bought him an entire meal, and gave him some company. There is NO, and i mean NO better feeling then doing something like that for someone else. I never felt so alive and happy that i gave him a hot meal to fill up that empty stomach he had.

When I have kids, i will give them what i didn't have growing up...a loving and devoted father that will make sure that they won't go through what I have already went through, and a mother (whoever that may be) that will take care of their son, and not leave them behind in the dust with the guilt and shame that i later put on myself.

I care about all of you guys, and the people around me. I grew up being picked on and had NO friends at all. Now having friends is the best thing thats ever happened to me. I treat my friends like family because i value a true friendship.

Whenever i get down, i try to think and tell myself "I'm very lucky to have what i have now, there are homeless people out in the world that are hungry, people that are on deathbeds. Look at what I have, a job, a car, my own place, will be going to college next year, friends, a dad that changed who he was and i forgave him, and a step mom that loves me" There are so many people without those things so i tell myself to lighten up.
 
Another confession: I' a chronic Therapist. I only want to make people realize what's going on inside them, but sometimes people get upset because I make them realize things about themselves. That said, might as well live up to my name:

Liverslapper said:
But I'm probably one of the nicest guys any of you guys will ever meet.
Click to expand...
Well, you know what they say about nice guys, and where they finish, don't you? Because people tend to call you "too nice", by which they probably mean that you have difficulty discerning when it's a good time to be nice, and when things would be better handled by being a bit more assertive. Usually, when people say someone is "too nice", they mean that that person is a pushover who stays nice even when he should be sticking up for himself. It's good to be a nice guy, but letting people walk all over you helps no one.



BlackwaterNymph said:
I poop a lot.
Click to expand...
Cara? Are you hacking people's accounts?



JenniferGentle said:
It's definitely the biggest cliche ever, but I still feel 100% guilty for being raped and assaulted.
Click to expand...
You may not be wanting to hear this right now, but I'll take the chance. Instead of feeling guilty, why don't you congratulate yourself on being able to stay alive and functioning more or less normally after such a horrible experience? It's not that I don't understand, and all, but I'm just saying, you had a terrible experience, and you managed to continue your life (albeit with some hiccups), and as I understand it, you have all you need to start building a good life again. That's something to be proud of. if anyone should be feeling guilty, it's the bastard that did this to you.


I fiendishly love getting my nipple piercing caught on my bra during class if I move in an odd way, haha, no one else knows, mwuaha.
Click to expand...
See? How can you feel guilty if you can still make confessions like that! :D


Superior said:
I have a massive superiority complex but I think its there to cover up whats really an inferiority complex
Click to expand...
In my personal experience, a superiority complex is very often generated by a person who suspects he's less than he thinks he is, but is afraid to look closer, and so he acts superior to divert attention away from the shortcomings he doesn't dare define for himself.


Liverslapper said:
Whenever i get down, i try to think and tell myself "I'm very lucky to have what i have now, there are homeless people out in the world that are hungry, people that are on deathbeds. Look at what I have, a job, a car, my own place, will be going to college next year, friends, a dad that changed who he was and i forgave him, and a step mom that loves me" There are so many people without those things so i tell myself to lighten up.
Click to expand...
It's good that you stop sometimes and realize the good things you have, but that doesn't mean you should devalue the bad feelings you have. It's annoying enough when other people tell you, "stop feeling bad, be happy with what you have" without you doing it to yourself too. You have every right to feel bad, no person is undeserving of such a feeling. Just because some aspects of your life are going well, doesn't mean you don't have a right to feel bad for those that aren't. Then again, simply feeling bad won't solve your problem, nor is it constructive in any other way, I'm just saying you shouldn't feel like you don't have a right to be unhappy.
 
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