@kovenant: i'm really sorry for your loss, too. you have my sympathy.
@rahvin, and all the rest who are depressed: come on. the storm's nearly passed. we're on the up. we
seriously are. it can't get worse. there's compensations. i'm still here.
nf: right out of a shaker. in the past twenty-one days i've gone through every possible emotion.
#1: my father fell sick, and we weren't sure he would survive. two weeks from hell were spent awaiting for his medical exams to give some clear indications, and then we knew he would live. he still has to undergo an operation that will be painful, and i'm heartbroken when i think of his suffering, but at least he is not going to die soon. his force of will amazes me, and i still have to learn a lot from the way he reacts to these situations. i'm lucky to have him, and even luckier that i will keep on having him in the future.
#2: i was sort of in love with someone. things were not going well. i thought i would get depressed and lose any hope towards the future. but at some point, also due to external circumstances, i just happened to decide i didn't really care about him, and i stopped
wanting to chase him. so anxiety changed into relaxation.
#3: i handed my ph. d. thesis in, last friday. it's over. i'm going to defend it shortly, but that will only be a formal step. so you're about to be politely asked to refer to me as
dr. hyena
moreover, i have a spiffy career plan for the future, and i hope i manage to follow it.
#4: today, i had ninety blissful minutes. i'm too happy to relate the details and probably it is personal - the reaction, not the event, as in i'm not sure that it would come across the right way (and no, it wasn't sex, nor i was wishing for any sex). let's say it was closest to vindication i've ever come. in a single flash of light, i did understand the following things: some dreams do come true; from today, i'm never too far from the panic room; there is a panic room; people who berate me (not in general, under certain socialization profiles) are all utterly wrong; and, finally, wider horizons are like crack, they are addictive at first toke.
the general picture is still somehow bleak, because my father is still suffering and he won't recover quickly. on the other hand, i'm receiving more than i would ever had bargained for in all the remaining departments.
it's 2 am on a saturday. i'm not drunk, so no hangovers tomorrow. i can wake up late. nobody i love is likely to pass away tomorrow. i don't have urgent work to do.
i feel somehow happy. first night in ages.
a combi of all I guess...
