Not-so-good-and-old "How do you feel" thread

[Caelestia]

sorry to hear about the unfortunate pets

nf: sleepy. had a nice lunch with my bf and his family (met them for the first time). was nervous and not too talkative but think all went well.

 

[Schwedentod]

I thought carefully of posting this for one week now, but somehow I feel like it helps me talking to as many people as possible about it.

It all started last monday, the 21st of march. I came back from Trier (where I study) with my girlfriend and we had a wonderful weekend there. She brought me home to my parents' house and then drove home herself. At some point in the afternoon, I started to think...

Last friday she visited me. Normally, she finishes work on fridays at 4pm. Because I didn't have anything to eat that time, I tried to ring her up at something like 20 past 4. She didn't answer, as well as the 2 following tries. Some time after 5, she rang me up. She told me that she had to work longer and that she's on her way to Trier.

Since we hadn't seen us for 2 weeks, we ate something when she arrived, kissed and some time started to put off our clothes... When she took off her trousers, half a wood was suddenly in my room. Ahe gave me a bad reason for this, but because I trusted her, I didn't think too much...

...until monday. It was all too clear, I just didn't get it. First, I didn't reach her by phone. Second, she told me there's not much work these days, so why work longer? Third, the wood. So I drove to her that monday evening and asked, what was going on. Nothing. Ask again. Nothing. Ask again. Nothing. (But I could see in her eyes that it wasn't true.) Ask again. These eyes, filled with fear... Her mouth, forming the words I never wanted to hear again:
"Yes, I was in a forest with a boy working in my firm."
Shit! "Was it the first time?"
"No."
Shit! "How long is it going on?"
"Something like october."
Holy shit! 6 months! "How often did you sleep with hin?"
"4 or 5 times, and we met some more often, altogether."
Shit, but it could have been worse.

However, 4 weeks after we came together (2nd of June, 2001), she was in holidays in the netherlands. There, she already had another guy. But I could forgive her, but I never forgot. It hurt, day by day. But I trusted her, and I knew she loved me.

And she loved me the last 6 months, she even still loves me. I know this, because it was just fun for her, she didn't feel anything for him, and I think that I can believe her in that. Now, one week is over. A week full of tears and speaking to some friends. The same story over and over again.

Now my questions to you:
What do you think?
What would you tell me to do (to forget or get my new single-life going)? I feel so alone every night... This hurts most.
Because this was my first long-time relationship (nearly 4 years, I will be 23 in June), I now have a feeling as if too many girls do this. What can the girls here say? Did you ever betray your boyfriends?

Thanks for everythig, even if you only read all this!

 

[DragonLady1]

I read it and its so sad I'm too emotional these days and I can well relate, not that a story like that happened to me but some similar shit in the past... I mean if she does love u and the other guy is just for sex, well maybe she needed a change, who knows... but if she loves him too... I would try to forget her... but I know its hard... and even if u go on there will always be that story between u...

I feel a bit bad too for the moment as I'm drowned in fears so much, I cant stop it even if I wish too

 

[TheFourthHorseman]

Since we hadn't seen us for 2 weeks, we ate something when she arrived, kissed and some time started to put off our clothes... When she took off her trousers, half a wood was suddenly in my room. Ahe [sic] gave me a bad reason for this, but because I trusted her, I didn't think too much...

Firstly, am I the only one misunderstanding this or finding it bizarre? First off I thought that she popped half an erection when taking off her trousers, then I wondered if women there just carry around logs from forests for fun. Dude, wtf? I seriously can't be serious about this.

But on the serious side, as hard as letting go is, I think the worst thing you could do is "forgive" her for sleeping with two guys and keeping the second from you for that long. Especially since it's your first relationship, I would assume that you don't really want it to end because of the fear of being alone...but then I'm only reflecting on myself. 1% or 5% of couples might be able to keep a working relationship after that kind of revelations...if you belong to that group, then I'm sure a 4-year relationship is worth forgiving even something like that for. So you just need to think through if you can/should forgive her and if it's really good for you (two) to keep going.

 

[rahvin]

What do you think?

i think what any person with your average, standard idea of love relationships would think: cheating is bad. a tendency to cheat without facing the consequences (breaking up with the other person, or at least going through some major changes in the relationship) is plain lack of maturity, because usually people are happier and act responsibly when they don't pretend that one (or two) relationship is exclusive when it's not.

but this you know already. and your opinion of her and her behaviour should be more or less harsh based on how serious your relationship is for you. clearly, if you were planning to one day marry this girl - and i mean for real, not in some fairytale, daydreaming mental trip - then i consider what she's done to you a mean, despicable thing. if you two guys were not that serious, however, it's just foolishness on her part. if she's very young she might even grow out of it at some point, later in her life.

What would you tell me to do (to forget or get my new single-life going)?

if you're in pain, dump her. it's a hard decision to make, but this is not the kind of problem where people can just sit and talk it through. reassurances - if she even provided any - that it won't happen again do not suffice. i really believe you should only base your decision on how you feel now, when the wound is still fresh, and imagining going on with her doing things behind your back, for months.

I now have a feeling as if too many girls do this.

and too many guys, as well. it's pretty much evenly distributed.

as a local comedian once said, commenting statistics showing that one married person out of two cheats on his/her partner: "so if it's not you, then it must be your wife".

 

[rahvin]

Firstly, am I the only one misunderstanding this or finding it bizarre?

i had to read it five times, skip ahead looking for an explanation, then go back and read it again before it made any sense. at first i thought it was some literal translation of a weird german idiom meaning something akin to "cop out". the idea of twigs and blades of grass coming out of this girl's private parts is scary as it is, but the way he called it half a forest is hilarious. i wish i could be so funny in my most dreadful hours.

 

[TheFourthHorseman]

Oh crap. I didn't even understand your explanation at first.
*sigh*

 

[Rusty]

@Schwedentod: That's pretty damn crappy. Naturally you're the only one who can know what you should do. However since it wasn't her first time with someone else while you were together, and that it was quite a serious transgression rather than just a one-off drunken kiss, for example, if it were me I would probably have nothing more to do with her on any level above casual friendship, if that.

as a local comedian once said, commenting statistics showing that one married person out of two cheats on his/her partner: "so if it's not you, then it must be your wife".

Now that is brilliant.

 

[Schwedentod]

OK, there may be 2 points which may be misunderstood, let me explain:

First:
She didn't have sex with the guy this friday, "just" kissing and touching. The 4 times (or how often, don't know) they had sex were all before christmas, but they met 3 times this year. And the wood thing: yes, it was grass and leaves and so on falling off her trousers since the weather was great that day and they met in a forest.

Second:
I finished the relationship last monday, of course. Only some close friends know how hard this thing happening in the Netherlands was for me. But I tried to get my trust towards her back. It wasn't easy, but somehow over the years it worked. And now, sitting here and being cheated again, I can't keep it up any more. There's NO trust left, as you can imagine.
There won't be a relationship Andrea <--> Daniel any time in the future again, I'm sure, but maybe some sort of friendship one day (although I'm not sure of that so far).

 

[rahvin]

First:
She didn't have sex with the guy this friday, "just" kissing and touching.

i'd still call it cheating, unless you two guys had agreed otherwise.

And the wood thing: yes, it was grass and leaves and so on falling off her trousers since the weather was great that day and they met in a forest.

on second thought, you should have dumped her for lack of personal hygiene. i mean, at least she could have taken a frigging shower.

(i'm just trying to cheer you up, ok?)

 

[Schwedentod]

@DragonLady: Exactly!!! The other guy was for sex since she knew me after all that time really well (e.g. how I react when she does something). She didn't feel any love for him, just this kick a) doing something forbidden and b) re-learning sex. Before me, she slept with only one guy, so there were 3 (including the one in the Netherlands) until last october. I can understand her - I even sometimes felt something similar - but I would have never done this.
To my mind, sex is something fantastic (anyone who disagrees?), but the feeling to hold someone in your arms which you love and have the chance to sleep besides this person is much more important (surely someone agrees here, right?!?).

 

[Schwedentod]

@rahvin: Thanks!
The thought that this guy had his fingers inside her and I slept with her about 2 or 3 hours later is so ugly, it first made me a really bad feeling between my legs...
And, yes, it still is cheating, but I'm happy that nothing more happened this day. It would have made my feeling even worse!

 

[DragonLady1]

To my mind, sex is something fantastic (anyone who disagrees?), but the feeling to hold someone in your arms which you love and have the chance to sleep besides this person is much more important (surely someone agrees here, right?!?).

to be honest I find it much more beautiful to sleep in someones arms that I really like than to have sex with someone I dont have deeper feelings for... I mean not that its bad but nothing beats the great feeling to fall asleep in ur dear's arms and wake up in his arms again... oh my, having a big nostalgia now....

 

[Schwedentod]

DragonLady: This is exactly what I wanted to say and what I'll miss the next months: having someone you love, take her (or him) in you arms and fall asleep together.

Das Gefühl, behütet zu sein, nicht allein zu sein und jemanden bei sich zu haben, den man mag und dem man vertraut. Freitag ging's mir richtig beschissen, da hat mir ne Freundin angeboten bei mir zu schlafen. Es ist nichts gelaufen (geht bei mir noch gar nicht, hätte aber mit ihr auch nie passieren können) aber sie hat mir damit das größte Geschenk gemacht, dass möglich war. Ich habe mich unglaublich gut gefühlt und die Angst, allein zu sein war - wenn auch nur eine Nacht lang - weg. Samstag hatte ich zwar ein schlechtes Gewissen wegen Andrea (wirklich...), aber das kann mir ja jetzt auch egal sein. Wer weiss, was sie die nächsten Tage so macht.

 

[hyena]

@daniel: sorry to hear the dreadful story. i think you did the right thing - the fact that she slept with you right after her little tryst is especially creepy, because in my mind's eye it shows that she didn't even think of trying to sort out any problem she might have had with you before even thinking of finding another man. building trust is hard, and rebuilding it is even harder. try to find another woman who's worthy of yours.

i wouldn't say that women cheat on their partners more than men - personally, i've never cheated on a boyfriend although i've tried (to no effect, normally) to get men to leave their partner for me.

 

[MagSec4]

I agree with hyena most.

Sie hat dich nicht verdienen. Lasse sich einige Zeit und vergesse sie.

 

[Schwedentod]

Thanks Hyena, thanks MagSec!

Hyena: "building trust is hard, and rebuilding it is even harder." <-- I totally agree with this. It was hard to build up trust after what happened before, now trust may be unreachable, I think. I'm so glad that there are some friends to help me- mainly with words - in these dark days. But I talked to lots of people/ frinds, and they helped me quite a lot. Now thanks to all of you!

 

[La Rocque]

@ Daniel my heart goes out to You as this has happened to me.
Its going to take time to get over this. A bit of advice try to keep busy.
I know things are not good for You now but some day You will look back
at all of this wondering,what was the big fucking deal?
I have a feeling she will try to get back with You, be strong !!!
As for anything she has to say, her actions have told You everything You need to know.
Take care - Good luck

 

[DragonLady1]

hm yes keeping busy is really good, and if u have some close friends who help u out of this its also great... when my ex left me I started to keep so busy, went to festivals every weekend etc... it made it a bit easier for me and also that a few friends would be around when I would feel really bad... wish all the best to get over it and lots of strenght, it will make u stronger at the end I'm sure

 

[rahvin]

All'estremità, tutta una persona ha è il loro honor e dignità
nessuno possono eliminare quella
​

that's a babelfish nightmare of a translation. it makes no sense. it's not understandable italian in any way. in case you're interested in actually translating "in the end, all a person has is their honor and dignity / no one can take that away", try with "alla fine, le uniche cose che una persona possiede davvero sono il proprio orgoglio e la propria dignità / nessuno può portargliele via."