The "What Are You Doing This Moment" Thread
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unknown
fuck ftagn
had a dream about an ex last night. Dreamt that she was on campus and stopped me in the hall saying "She had a question for me," and I told her to stop by my office hours. Weird. We only dated for a few months and this was like six years ago.
unknown
fuck ftagn
Eh. If she does, good for her. I don't particularly care, but the subconscious works in weird ways I suppose
Serjeant Grumbles
Active Member
- Mar 20, 2005
- 4,382
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Master_Yoda77
Juggalo
Krigloch the Furious
Pants full of poo
SentinelSlain
Suck my joined date.
- Nov 21, 2007
- 10,015
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I really need to readjust myself somehow, but I'm too hateful to do it. I just can't stand shallow retarded people and oversexed women and the kind of men who exist to protect them from undergoing critical thought processes.
In order to deal with shit you have to avoid thinking about so many things and just go with the flow, mostly for the sake of women's dumb ass sexuality. It's such a ballache even thinking about adjusting myself to actually do this.
In order to deal with shit you have to avoid thinking about so many things and just go with the flow, mostly for the sake of women's dumb ass sexuality. It's such a ballache even thinking about adjusting myself to actually do this.
Vimana
Member
- Mar 2, 2007
- 11,671
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I feel you. I used to be hella judgmental. Like, to the point that I would insult a person in my head for the way their lips curved when they spoke. Stupid shit like that. Sometimes little judgments pop in my head from time to time, but they dissipate quickly. It took months of work. Part of it was meditation, part of it was being mindful of how I was thinking and feeling about things, and the last part that ties it all together takes a bit longer to explain.
Well, it's gonna be a wall of text. I really hope it helps.
I didn't start off with hate. I wanted to connect with people, but that didn't always go well. I would get lost in how much fun I was having and did and said stupid or annoying shit and decided to just block out how bad I felt about doing it, not assume responsibility for it, and just go on ignoring what I did. But I still ended up developing a fear of rejection while also still having that desire to connect with others. So over and over I would throw all caution away and put myself out there in a really stupid way and inevitably get rejected, hate myself for it, then give myself a total god complex to save myself from self-loathing and turn my hatred outwards. If I believed I was better than others and they didn't deserve me, I never had to face being hurt by the rejection I suffered.
A big part of what made this hateful buildup possible was turning off my empathy. I would make up reasons that people did not deserve it, like subscribing to a certain ideology or whatever. Plus, with how badly I treated people out of my hatred, being empathetic meant having to deal with a ton of guilt.
So I faced it. Yeah, it sucked, but I learned from it. I learned not to excessively talk about negative things or topics others clearly had no interest in. I learned to let people be more open about themselves and bond with people in things we both liked instead of things we both hated (or liked to hate).
Most of all, I learned that insults are either useful or pointless. I used to take shit super personally, like even stuff people would say to me on this forum. Useful insults are ones that point out a behavior I have that is inexorably abhorrent, meaning that it doesn't matter how their personal perception works, it sucks for them. Behaviors like talking to people while they're trying to do something. Those can be taken constructively as ways to improve my own behavior, so long as I admit I annoyed the person. It was pretty easy to do because I'm not my past actions. I wet the bed when I was a kid, and I'm not a bed-wetter now. Same as how if I did one annoying thing to someone a second ago, that doesn't mean I am eternally annoying.
Pointless insults are ones that are not constructive. This is like being insulted for the way I look, taste in music, whatever. It's like, okay dude, I like my face and you don't like it. Do you think you can make me hate the things I like by telling me that you hate them? It's like holding up an apple and shouting, "this is a banana!"
I also decided there is no reason to be ashamed of who I am. There is reason to not repeat an action that hurts another individual, but my actions are not me. I do things. I may like the actions, but I am a human, not the action itself. So I acknowledge all of the horrible shit I did in the past, like dating a girl when I was thirteen and telling her I was gonna kill myself all the time just so she would cry and I would feel cared about. I didn't justify it. I just acknowledged it was stupid, felt the guilt, and moved on.
I had a period I was annoyed with women. I thought they were shallow and only wanted money and shit and all this bullshit. But they're people. They vary like men. Just like I'm not only valuing women by their tits, face, and willingness to fuck, not all women are only going to only value me by the size of my dick and wallet. I have a small dick anyway, can't change, don't care who knows. It can still feel pretty good anyway.
Oh, that brings me to another point. I needed to stop comparing myself to people. It's ultimately really silly to me. Happiness is a personal pursuit to me, not a contest. Even if you treat it like a contest, it's a stupid one unless you somehow have a 24/7 mind link with someone and can actually feel how happy they are. Otherwise, you're just making guesses with varying levels of information. It may feel good to feel more good-looking than another person, but if I base my happiness on that, there's anxiety about whether or not some other more attractive man is gonna cross paths with me. Whatever, some dudes are hotter than me and have bigger dicks and are smarter than me. That doesn't affect how much I enjoy music, hugging trees, or high-fiving strangers on my bike.
So the meditation and mindfulness part really helped because it got me out of the endless loop of resentment and hate at the world. It took a lot of work. I have ADHD, so it was fucking difficult. I still have some trouble. I eventually had to face my hatred, sadness, embarrassing memories, guilt, etc. But I had to feel those bad emotions, which are fleeting experiences that don't doom me to any specific fate. I once had a relationship that turned into nothingness but me trying to talk to her and her never really responding and then me periodically ranting at her. When I met her (it was long-distance), she wouldn't hold my hand, showed up late for everything, complained about me cumming too fast during sex, said she fucked another guy before I got there, and cringed when I told her I loved her and then said she loved me the next day to appease me. I cried in front of her because I was sad it all fell apart. Yeah, hella embarrassing, but it's over and I learned from it and the fact that it happened before doesn't mean my life is doomed to repeat it. I would say acknowledging it and feeling how horrible it was actually makes the opposite more likely.
But the meditation paid off little by little. I stopped thinking useless thoughts and could enjoy the little things more. I could walk through the woods and see the trees and not think about how much this ideology or that ideology sucks and how much the people who believe it suck by default. Ideologies are little boxes that are used to categorize this giant, mysterious universe. And all those people I would hate for various reasons are also mysterious. They're not what I believe them to be. I used to hate Christianity because of the crusades, but that was fucking centuries ago. I doubt everyone that goes into a church every Sunday for the comforting message and community are ready to go to the Middle East and kill people.
At this point, ideology isn't something I really like very much. My "ideology" is I do things to feel good, and the only boundaries I have to that are things that do not hurt others or get in the way of them feeling good. It took letting go of various ideologies I held onto, which wasn't easy because it felt so good to feel so smart for believing the "right" thing, but so many things go up in the air with indiscriminate skepticism that it is way easier, more informative, and more fun to just go with the flow and learn what I learn, rather than keep repeating ideas to myself about how Christians suck for x reason or women suck for y reason. The world's too big for any one thing to happen. It's also too vast to do the same things and think the same thoughts over and over.
This type of thinking is your first obstacle. If you develop this hatred, you can get rid of it. It may feel impossible, but it's not. Shit changes all the time. You have the power, my limey brotha.
And this desire is what can help you change.
Well, it's gonna be a wall of text. I really hope it helps.
I didn't start off with hate. I wanted to connect with people, but that didn't always go well. I would get lost in how much fun I was having and did and said stupid or annoying shit and decided to just block out how bad I felt about doing it, not assume responsibility for it, and just go on ignoring what I did. But I still ended up developing a fear of rejection while also still having that desire to connect with others. So over and over I would throw all caution away and put myself out there in a really stupid way and inevitably get rejected, hate myself for it, then give myself a total god complex to save myself from self-loathing and turn my hatred outwards. If I believed I was better than others and they didn't deserve me, I never had to face being hurt by the rejection I suffered.
A big part of what made this hateful buildup possible was turning off my empathy. I would make up reasons that people did not deserve it, like subscribing to a certain ideology or whatever. Plus, with how badly I treated people out of my hatred, being empathetic meant having to deal with a ton of guilt.
So I faced it. Yeah, it sucked, but I learned from it. I learned not to excessively talk about negative things or topics others clearly had no interest in. I learned to let people be more open about themselves and bond with people in things we both liked instead of things we both hated (or liked to hate).
Most of all, I learned that insults are either useful or pointless. I used to take shit super personally, like even stuff people would say to me on this forum. Useful insults are ones that point out a behavior I have that is inexorably abhorrent, meaning that it doesn't matter how their personal perception works, it sucks for them. Behaviors like talking to people while they're trying to do something. Those can be taken constructively as ways to improve my own behavior, so long as I admit I annoyed the person. It was pretty easy to do because I'm not my past actions. I wet the bed when I was a kid, and I'm not a bed-wetter now. Same as how if I did one annoying thing to someone a second ago, that doesn't mean I am eternally annoying.
Pointless insults are ones that are not constructive. This is like being insulted for the way I look, taste in music, whatever. It's like, okay dude, I like my face and you don't like it. Do you think you can make me hate the things I like by telling me that you hate them? It's like holding up an apple and shouting, "this is a banana!"
I also decided there is no reason to be ashamed of who I am. There is reason to not repeat an action that hurts another individual, but my actions are not me. I do things. I may like the actions, but I am a human, not the action itself. So I acknowledge all of the horrible shit I did in the past, like dating a girl when I was thirteen and telling her I was gonna kill myself all the time just so she would cry and I would feel cared about. I didn't justify it. I just acknowledged it was stupid, felt the guilt, and moved on.
I had a period I was annoyed with women. I thought they were shallow and only wanted money and shit and all this bullshit. But they're people. They vary like men. Just like I'm not only valuing women by their tits, face, and willingness to fuck, not all women are only going to only value me by the size of my dick and wallet. I have a small dick anyway, can't change, don't care who knows. It can still feel pretty good anyway.
Oh, that brings me to another point. I needed to stop comparing myself to people. It's ultimately really silly to me. Happiness is a personal pursuit to me, not a contest. Even if you treat it like a contest, it's a stupid one unless you somehow have a 24/7 mind link with someone and can actually feel how happy they are. Otherwise, you're just making guesses with varying levels of information. It may feel good to feel more good-looking than another person, but if I base my happiness on that, there's anxiety about whether or not some other more attractive man is gonna cross paths with me. Whatever, some dudes are hotter than me and have bigger dicks and are smarter than me. That doesn't affect how much I enjoy music, hugging trees, or high-fiving strangers on my bike.
So the meditation and mindfulness part really helped because it got me out of the endless loop of resentment and hate at the world. It took a lot of work. I have ADHD, so it was fucking difficult. I still have some trouble. I eventually had to face my hatred, sadness, embarrassing memories, guilt, etc. But I had to feel those bad emotions, which are fleeting experiences that don't doom me to any specific fate. I once had a relationship that turned into nothingness but me trying to talk to her and her never really responding and then me periodically ranting at her. When I met her (it was long-distance), she wouldn't hold my hand, showed up late for everything, complained about me cumming too fast during sex, said she fucked another guy before I got there, and cringed when I told her I loved her and then said she loved me the next day to appease me. I cried in front of her because I was sad it all fell apart. Yeah, hella embarrassing, but it's over and I learned from it and the fact that it happened before doesn't mean my life is doomed to repeat it. I would say acknowledging it and feeling how horrible it was actually makes the opposite more likely.
But the meditation paid off little by little. I stopped thinking useless thoughts and could enjoy the little things more. I could walk through the woods and see the trees and not think about how much this ideology or that ideology sucks and how much the people who believe it suck by default. Ideologies are little boxes that are used to categorize this giant, mysterious universe. And all those people I would hate for various reasons are also mysterious. They're not what I believe them to be. I used to hate Christianity because of the crusades, but that was fucking centuries ago. I doubt everyone that goes into a church every Sunday for the comforting message and community are ready to go to the Middle East and kill people.
At this point, ideology isn't something I really like very much. My "ideology" is I do things to feel good, and the only boundaries I have to that are things that do not hurt others or get in the way of them feeling good. It took letting go of various ideologies I held onto, which wasn't easy because it felt so good to feel so smart for believing the "right" thing, but so many things go up in the air with indiscriminate skepticism that it is way easier, more informative, and more fun to just go with the flow and learn what I learn, rather than keep repeating ideas to myself about how Christians suck for x reason or women suck for y reason. The world's too big for any one thing to happen. It's also too vast to do the same things and think the same thoughts over and over.
This type of thinking is your first obstacle. If you develop this hatred, you can get rid of it. It may feel impossible, but it's not. Shit changes all the time. You have the power, my limey brotha.
And this desire is what can help you change.
All I remember from last night was that I took a couple of Ambien, then I downed a medium amount of DXM, turned on Shpongle, and then fell asleep. I still feel the effects of the DXM, but I definitely didn't do that much of it.
Mort Divine
Shrine Maiden of the In-Crowd
Trying to stay awake another hour maybe before I crash.
Just one more day of overnights and I can go back to my afternoon shifts...
Fuck, sleeping during the day is so hard.
Just one more day of overnights and I can go back to my afternoon shifts...
Fuck, sleeping during the day is so hard.
dwellerINTHEdark
Curator of the mausoleum
Yeah and it takes forever to get back to your regular sleep schedule if you do it long enough.
My mom told me today that she's thinking about moving in with some guy she knows and letting me get my own place! (that she will pay for until I can afford it myself). It's cheaper than getting a 2 bedroom apartment for both of us, and I sure as hell am happy with the idea.
Eligos
Problem Yet to be Solved
Nah. You've just gotta stop eating 5 hours before you go to bed and then it takes a week at most.
Coming from someone who's done this at least 5 times in the last year.
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